hop in and enjoy the ride

Hey there.

It's me.....again.

I just read pinkpau and sweatlee's blogs, and they really got me thinking. How life is so unfair. How you've got no one to blame but yourselves when things don't turn out the way you've hoped it would. How sometimes destiny is kinda in your own hands. I know I did say once in my earlier post that God has amazing plans for our lives, each and every one of us. That we should not doubt Him cos after all just like how far/high heaven is from earth, so are His ways than our ways. But sometimes (okay maybe more than SOMEtimes) I wish so much that circumstances favour me. It's the selfish in me talking, please forgive me. Humans are like that, I suppose. They're never contented with what they have...until it's gone. But then again, selfishness is what that drives us to strive for the best, no? And here is where most make their mistakes of sidelining God and all the sins and what-nots rear their ugly heads.

Enough of digressing.

So what I'm trying to say is erm.....how do I begin, eh? I think let's begin at the start.

When I was young, I had so many BIG dreams. Till today I can still remember vividly how much I wanted to go to Harvard or Oxford. How I had believed that I can or will go there. Of course at that point of time things like financial factors and stuff didn't occur to me cos I was young. I was pretty much of an idealist. I believed I could soar very high. Cos I thought I was special and really smart. Oh just how naive I was back then. Then as I grow, I continue to excel academically but alas, the pride in me more often than not got too confident of my ability that I slipped. Small slips at first, but then they got bigger and bigger. So I figured that kinda contributes to my being here. It's not that I'm not thankful for the fact that I got a place in the public U. But, there's always a but, I wish so much that I had put in my best effort so that at least I'm one step nearer to my dream since I'm not from a rich family (though we're living comfortably now) cos the expectation for my parents to put me through an oversea U is OUT of the question, let alone a local private one.

So this is why I am so frustrated with my life, with myself sometimes cos it's just not fair that there are people who get better exposure, better opportunities and better experiences in life just cos circumstances favour them. I do not have an exceptional ability and neither do I have the cash to pursue my dream. They say hard work will take you places but I say it's all BS cos no matter how big of an effort you put in if circumstances don't favour you then, it will be futile.

I know I have said this many times but I still want to say this again: I dislike it here. Not so much of the people but of the experiences and the quality of education I'm missing out. Yaso and Sew, if you're reading this please do not misunderstand k, cos I love you guys. Really, I couldn't ask for better roommates ;p What I'm trying to say is does it mean that us people who are in the public U cannot achieve as much as those who are in the pretigious schools? Cos whether we like it or not, it is a fact that somehow us public U ones are a step, if not a few, behind those in the Ivy League schools and the likes. If you put one from each to compare, one would be able to immediately differentate one from the other. The way they think, the way they speak, the extent of their knowledge, etc. In short, I want the better of who and what I am right now.

Why is Malaysia so corrupted? Why isn't everyone given the chance they deserve? Why are there shits like quotas and what-nots?

My mom talked to me about getting a Masters after I finish my Degree. She did mention about doing it private locally. However, the little voice in me is saying that unless I'm going overseas, I'm not going to get my Masters....for now. This is because I have wasted not 1 or 2 but 4 (!!!) years studying something which I have no interest in so unless I'm sure I'll be getting the kind of experience I've always pictured, Masters is out of the question. Sorry mom, but I need to follow my heart. Maybe I'll change my mind later on but we'll see. I guess for now I can only work and save up but God knows how long that'll take. Dammit.

I sound pathetic, no need to remind me thank you very much. I really do hope that one day, I'll be able to see myself attending class at a pretigious school and receive the kind of education which everyone deserves, unlike the in the local U which is a joke. I don't even understand how could a Bio student ever get a Physics kind of course. Divine intervention?

Obviously I've still got a long way more to go to loving myself.....and life. Sorry I'm such a selfish bitch.