hop in and enjoy the ride

It’s 4 am now and there’s is no hint of sleepiness in me. Yet. This is one of the reasons why I usually hate study week cos my biological clock is always screwed up around this time.


So lately I’ve been reading a lot of Su Ann’s blog. Of course, I do not know her personally or anything. I'm NOT a stalker k. Just happen to like her flair of writing. She’s just another blogger I sort of discovered but actually she’s been famous for a while. Just that I never get around to reading her blog. Speaking of which, I really hate this habit of mine: blog hopping. First, it wastes time. Secondly, it just makes me more depressed at my own already depressed enough life whenever I read of how fabulous theirs are T____T


Anywayyy back to what I was saying, it’s really amazing how she sounds so much mature than me although I’m technically older than her (1 year!). If I were to compare us both I feel like I've been living under the tempurung for too long. I've been in my comfort zone too much. There are so many things to explore. So many new experiences to savour. And yet, here I am, little small me (figuratively speaking of course!), hidden amongst the thousands of students in UMP with little or perhaps almost close to none of moments that took my breath away. Moments valuable and moments which help shape me into what and who I am.


This brings me to the whole point of this post. I feel like up till now, 21 years 11 months 10 days of my life, I haven't really found myself, who I really am. I feel like I am a few steps backwards in normal human physiological and emotional growth cos when usually normal people would have passed this stage in their adolescence years I am now only beginning to embark on this whole new period of my life. So who I really am? What is my purpose here?


I really don't want to just let life pass me by like that. I want to capture it and live every day like it's my last. But I still have a long to go to really be able to appreciate it =( What have I learned so far? Where do I see myself in the future, say in 5 years' time? It's really frustrating to not have found your footing. Yesterday, I was very very down and was emoing away, as I typed a whole long post only to decide that I don't want/should not post it. Cos I was afraid. Afraid to show myself bare of what I'm truly feeling. Afraid to find out what people will say. But this ain't really a problem since there's zero existance in this blog...by choice. Another result of my fear. I can't believe I am even ashamed to let my friends see what I'm struggling with. Maybe it's because I'm ashamed at my state as I am now not what people have expected me to be? Why is my star getting more and more bleak?


Oh gosh, seriously, like I need more of this when I am suppose to be drowning myself in books -.-'


I just wish that one day I could wake up happy and cheery and able to say confidently that I am me. I am Jessy. Nothing more and nothing short. Please come soon!!!