Lets see....things I am thankful for this CNY:

1. Good food!
2. Family and friends (no matter how irritating they are sometimes =D)
3. Quality time with some of my best girlfriends (i miss them already :()
4. Ang Pau $$$$

Thats a lot of blessings ;p

But guess I still have a long way to go in this count-your-blessings thing. Heh.

It's the eve of CNY. And yet I'm feeling nothing of the festivity. No surprise.

I'm beginning to wonder if God's testing my family.
It all started late last year when papa suddenly called me during class (Eng Lab III, to be precise) to say that (Golden Hill) ah ma's going for colonoscopy due to cancer of the colon.
Then just before Christmas, (Sing Kang)ah kong sorta went a lil bit senile and was bedridden for a while due to low blood sugar and organ failure.
And this year just as school was starting, mom fell down and had multiple fractures on her left elbow.
She's on leave for 3 months.
Another 6 months before she can pick up the racket again.
And just yesterday, mom revealed that the same ah ma has got bone cancer.

And if you think that's all you're wrong T.T

(Golden hill) Ah ma has accepted Christ. Hallelujah Amen!!! The problem now is that she's staying with my uncle and this particular uncle is somehow very anti-Christian. For what reason, I don't know. He does know about my grandma's wish to be baptized before she passes on but just last week he got all fired up when he got to know about it again. You guessed it, things aren't pretty but we try to maintain the harmony (?).

It's really great that ah ma has accepted Christ. I hope that her faith will only grow stronger amidst the pain she is going through. You know something? I used to really dislike her for all the mean things she's done but seeing her now, I actually feel sorry for her. If I were in her shoes, I think I would have committed suicide cos bone cancer hurts very very very much. Mom says that drugs aren't really working on her. Neither is her chemotherapy. And she's shrinking! Sometimes it hurts so bad that she shivers and cry. Fastest is half a year and it might drag on for a few years, if you get what I mean. And this is barely her first month.

Why her? Why is there such a painful incurable sickness? No one deserves to be tormented like that surely no matter who they are.

And now I think I'm also gonna die of cancer. My papa's side especially, has a long history of cancer. I'm scared. Very very scared. I just hope that when (if) it's my turn, it'll be quick and as painless as possible.

This is gonna be an uneventful CNY.

Shalom!

Gosh, so many kinds of emotions has been going on in me that I just don't know what to feel and how to react. And just recently, I confirmed that I have...erm...don't exactly know how to describe it but it's like whenever I read something (novels, news, etc) half of my mind seems to still be in hibernate mode O.O

Geez what's wrong with me man? Cos I just don't seem to really register what I'm reading at any period of time. It's just as though I've put myself in reading mode but my mind is unwilling. It just kinda drifts off unconsciously and then I'll snap from it after a while and I won't get what I was reading. And then there are also times when I read just for the sake of reading without actually taking in what I'm reading.

This is really scary. It makes me feel as though I'm stupid and I have lousy memory :(

What am I to do??!! I don't wanna be stupid =(((

It must be all those boring electric text books' fault.

At times like this, I'll be all emo and really hate myself.

Cos up till now I still cling on to this little flicker of hope that somehow someday my life will change for the better. Kinda like at the snap of fingers.

Sigh...yes I know I sound really pathetic and you know what? I just don't care anymore. It sucks real much to feel as though you're one, if not many, steps behind personal development. everybody has moved on. Moved on to greener pastures. But old me is still neither here nor there.

Does this mean that I'm coveting my neighbour?

It's always easier to say that one wants to be motivated, to change for the better. But when it comes to the action part, nothing sorta happens. Strange, isn't it how sometimes human works.

I think I'm now in the phase where I'm actually suppose to be maybe 10 years ago but somehow the hormones in me got confused and thus the state I am now. Can life get more tragic?

Apparently yes. Provided if I'm diagnosed with some kind of disease or I lose a body part (God forbid!). But the thing is, I do KNOW where to turn to but the tenacity, or should I say the pigheaded, in me just refuse to do so!!!

This is just so frustrating!

I guess I really need to count my blessings instead of always concentrating on the bad and being negative.

I'm tired.

Give me some time and I'll be as good as new.

I had to prepare a 2-3 minute long speech for my Public Speaking class tomorrow and this is what I composed:

A Loved Belonging

I don’t know about you, but when I first got this title I had to think really hard of a thing which means a lot to me. Something which is of so much importance that I would be functioning all wrong if I was to be ever without it. Exaggeration, yes? Maybe to some, but for me personally, my normal routine would definitely be disrupted if one day I wake up to find...my favourite pillow missing from its usual spot in bed.
Yes, you heard me right. My loved belonging is not a high-end apparel and neither is it a sophisticated gadget. It is however just an old and humble pillow. Some might even say it’s smelly. Shocking, isn’t it? Hardly anyone would think that a person like me would have a soft spot for such a thing.
Rectangular in shape and hardly any bigger than an A4 paper, I have had this pillow of mine for as long as I could remember. Over the years, its case has frayed for once it used to be a spanking white colour but now it has turned into the colour of the sky on a gloomy day. It has even lost its fluff. But just as the saying goes, ‘beauty lies in the eyes of its beholder’; I still think that my pillow is the best. Many a time, my mother tries to dispose of it but each time I manage to stop her from doing the unthinkable. Mother – 0, daughter -1.
Even though it has lost its physical appeal, what makes it so important to me is the sentimental value it holds. I can still clearly remember the warm feeling I get whenever I snuggle it. And now being here, it reminds me of home and it is comforting to have something familiar in the midst of unfamiliarity.
I do admit that I am too big a girl to still clung on to what most would say childish and that sooner or later I would have to give it up. But for now, I would like to savour every moment I have with my little pillow until the day it is time to be rid of it.
********************************

Gosh...I should really really stop doing this night creature thing. It's getting to me and I don't think I can keep up any longer with normal stuff if I don't change. Lol.

Went to cg for the first time ever on Friday. It felt kinda awkward to be honest. I dunno why and if Janice and Zeno both felt that way too but it's really weird. What's wrong with me man?! However the one thing which I really like and gotta admire is their bond. I mean like they're really close and all and there just seem to be never ending laughter around. This is what Christianity means, I think- to love your neighbours as yourselves. Hopefully (God willing) I will attend cg faithfully every week and then get to know the church members better cos shamefully, after 1 and a half years, I've yet to befriend any of them *hides self* I think this will be a better sem =D

Hmm...The Gem of Life has somehow lose its appeal to me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE tvb dramas but I guess not having subtitles kinda bores me cos I don't understand everything uttered in cantonese. And the fact that it has 80 episodes don't help much either. Hee.

I just realised that all my posts has more than one subject. Never once it's concentrated on one topic. I guess I do have a lot to say. Hee.

What am I doing with my life?

I've got only one chance to live so I don't wanna throw it away.

I'm getting Farizan again this sem for Analog Electronics II. God please help me. I think I did way below average for last sem in AEI cos she revealed that 10 people out of 34 (?) got A's. I got B- -.-"

Walau eh! And to think that she's a supposedly 'generous examiner'. LOL. I sucked big time.

I think I'm gonna freak out soon. I can feel that assignments and stuffs are creeping up on me. Someone please save me before I drown in this sea of....whatever.

Man, I'm really losing touch with English. Not only that, I'd think that I'm pretty much losing touch of everything. O.O

I've never felt lazier and stupider in my life than now. So much that I do not even know what's the difference of V and Ah in a battery. How a battery works. What to do if a fuse is blowed without replacing it. But to be fair almost everyone in class didn't really know the answers to these problems. Still...that ain't no excuse that I DO NOT know them. I wouldn't trust me if I'm ever an engineer. Lol.

I hate this feeling of not knowing what I'm supposed to. It makes me feel small and useless. Like today in Electrical Machine and Power Systems class, I don't know why the hell am I so FRIGGING nervous for when it was almost my turn to introduce myself. I swear my heart was thumping so hard that it practically jumped out. You tell me, silly or not?! And then during Engineering Lab IV, dunno for what reason I was so afraid to answer the lecturer's questions.

This is so not me.

I used to be so confident and all... WHERE ARE YOU, JESSY?! WHERE ARE YOUR BALLS??!! It's not like I've got any but you get what I mean.

Sigh T.T"

Anyway I hope things will get better soon. *cross fingers*

I miss my best girlfriends.

Me and my nottie nnootttiee roomie! I like the last one better
cos I think we look really coooool! Obviously syok sendiri. LOL

I'm really glad that I got to know this two fellas cos good friends
like them don't always come by.

Cheers mate!

Can someone please knock me on my head so that I will wake up from all these illusions!!!

Gosh I thought I've realised my mistakes and gonna change but I guess just like the saying goes, 'a leopard never changes its spots'. Sigh...

I think I'm watching too many dramas that now I want to be that person/character or to be in that condition. Man, I need to slap myself and take a bloody good look at myself.

Who am I kidding, huh? I'm already in my 2nd year 2nd sem but till now I honestly don't really much clue of what I'm studying. Is all this worth it? The fact that I'm not gonna excel in this field like ever? Sheesh what the hell am I saying man.

Of course I want to be the successful engineer but how am I gonna be one if I'm so ignorant and clueless bout so many things??!!

This is so frustrating!!! >.<"

Anyway, I'm glad that mom's operation went well. Thank God!!! Haha but I really wonder how is she gonna stand without tennis for the next 6 months. LOL.

I guess sometimes I do wish that you would neither call nor expect me to call back just for the sake of calling.

Calling just for the sake of calling holds no purpose, ya know. It's excruciating enough having all those 'forced conversations' and rather than being in one, I prefer none at all if it's like this.

Gosh I really can't help but wish that I'm in Forks(as in the town in Twilight for you Twilight-virgin)

Actually I think I'm kinda halfway there already since it has been raining like forever here ;p

But where's my Edward??!! Haha in my dreams only I suppose -.-

And speaking of that, I'm kinda (okay, maybe more like really) wondering when it's going to be my turn to be Bella? I see people around me getting hitched like you're snapping your fingers but me..? Is it me or perhaps it is just fated or whatsoever? I seem to be repelling all those 'good' ones. Lol.

Both my sisters are getting married soon. And to be perfectly honest, I'm scared. I know, I know...one might think wtf am I scared of? I myself don't really know. Maybe I'm scared that they will change and that somehow we won't be close anymore...? But really...it's not as though we are now >.<

Whatever.

Amidst all these questions , dilemmas blablabla....I'm truly happy that they've found their other halves. After years of having to avoid the question on where and who they're living with in sg, I gotta say it's all black and white now. As in like it's not (exactly) wrong for them to live together anymore cos they're getting married now. Make sense?

Looking back actually I realised that I don't quite know my sisters. Scary huh? Maybe it's because I practically grew up without them. And even when they're around I don't seem to have much recollection of things we do together, etc. And I cannot deny that I'm quite sad by this cos I sometimes feel like I do not belong in the family O.O

I know, I know...kinda shocking right? I guess many if not all do not see this coming.

Yes, they (and parents too in this case) always shower me with gifts and all but..but....but as much as I like being pampered like that.....I can't help but do not FEEL the connection there. You know like how whether you're on the wavelength or you're not. And in this case, I dont think I am. Sigh...What the hell is wrong with me?

Am I just a selfish whore?

Gee I sound like an emo wreck.

It has been raining forever since I arrived in uni. Wouldn't say I hate it cos I luvluvluv the snuggly feeling you get when you wake in a drizzling morning. Ahhh.... this is what I call sheer bliss ;p Lucky for me that all classes has been canceled this week thus the ability to sleep in everyday.

Anyway, I've kinda started on the Twilight mania. It's hard to not get caught up in all those hype. Hehe. I just love how Edward and Bella's love is so sweet and innocent unlike your typical Hollywood comefuckmecosithinkilikeyou kind which is really refreshing. Lol. Finished the first book and now waiting to get hold of the second one. But I really can't believe it that Popular is actually out of stock le! Must book sammo. Chey! And you'd think that amidst the economy meltdown people would want to ikat perut a bit >.<

Saw this really cute doggie when I was at this hawker place. She's such a poor thing and I can't tell you how much I want to bring her home there and then. It really breaks my heart every time I see a creature like her. Hurt and homeless. all the time when I was there she was like wandering around aimlessly. I dunno what she's looking for. Food? Not quite likely cos she didn't even 'chai' me when I tried to tempt her with some bones. Maybe she's just hoping that a kind soul would take her in? I can (kinda) feel her sorrow when I look at her eyes. Can cry man. Gosh, when I have my own place next time I'll keep as many of these 'pariah' dogs as possible. IMHO I really think that sometimes it's better to 'chi' pets rather than people cos all they want is some tlc and they will love you back unconditionally . Maybe not as close as God but you get what I mean. SIGH...

On a brighter note, I think I'm going to start a book collection =D

Just added Sophie Kinsella's latest book to the family. May you grow and be fruitful! Hehe

I'M BACK

BIGGER AND BETTER

LOL

;p