What's this *points around* supposed to be

So what's this *points around again* supposed to be is a journal to channel my frustration, anger and whatever negativity which cannot/hard to show to people- because no matter how much people like to ask how are you blablabla all they really hope to hear is "I'm fine thank you how about you" so that they can drone on and on about what-nots which is the very reason they start that conversation.

Which is why, in the very beginning almost no ones knows of the existence of this 'personal' space. I like the term personal space better cos I feel that 'blog' is too commercialized even though nothing is personal on the net *shrugs. So back to what I was saying, over time I began to open up a little. But! what it seem to have only done is restrict myself even more from letting my thoughts flow freely and is now reduced to boring what-I-dids. It has made me very self-conscious on what I write, how I write because I am just scared of what people think of me. What if I'm not exactly what they have thought me to be?! Gosh I dunno man. It's not like I am pretending or anything...just that you know how people like to paint those nice, quaint little pictures of you and thinks that you are still like that little girl in that picture when clearly you have overgrown that little girl? Why is everyone so critical? Sigh.

I am not happy and I am not gonna lie about that. Been angry, sad, frustrated and disappointed for a while and prolly still will go on for a while. Why is it so hard for me to be happy when all this while I have always been labeled as the happy-go-lucky one? Oh right, please refer to the above. I always get a lot of those motivational emails from Uncle Millan and Gabriel and all always say the same thing- that happiness is when you are able look beyond the imperfections, or something along the line. It's not like I do not have enough (in fact I'm blessed with more than enough) but there's always this kind of melacholy which keeps on tugging at my heart. And sometimes I am so pulled down by it that all I wanna do is to hide in a corner and cry for what it's worth. Tired and drained, unmotivated, listless, without passion.... and I do not know what to do.

Well, this semester's ending in exactly a month time and that's something to look forward to. In the meanwhile wish me luck as I continue to find my happy.